I’m back. I’ve submitted my info to TEDx IVC. The outcome is yet to be determined, but I’m glad I challenged myself to move on it.
During my “downtime” I was able to breathe a bit, although a tropical island is still calling my name (I’ll get there!). I also had the opportunity to reconnect with someone I hadn’t seen in many, many years. We discussed our respective lives and pursuits. Eventually, we discussed my book. He admitted to having cheated on a few girlfriends in his youth. It seems infidelity is a rite of passage in some odd way.
We eventually chatted about marriage, something he’s never experienced. I asked if an infidelity conversation before committing to marriage would be an option. He replied, no. You sign that’s it, all other offers are automatically off the table. He assumed signing on the dotted line spoke for itself. In a perfect world, yes, yet it’s blatantly evident reality has other plans.
It’s always surprising when people assume based on their version of what reality “should” be, not taking into consideration someone else, in all probability, has a different version. Assumptions do not serve in romantic relationships (or much anywhere else for that matter). Assuming your mate is automatically going to be everything you’ve imagined–and faithful–without having a prior conversation about realistic expectations, is bound to lead to a less-than-ideal outcome.
When people say their mate should “know” I can’t help but think: based on what? Yes, there are instances where assuming isn’t that big of a stretch, but when it comes to psychological, emotional, sexual, and other subjects not readily discussed, how does anyone know? Were these topics discussed in the family home? Should the details have been figured out through life experiences? Osmosis? Are we assuming partners are intact and fully-formed when headed down the aisle? Half the time, mates aren’t aware of or are afraid to express, their own needs much less expect someone else to fulfill them.
I didn’t have this type of conversation when I was married. I assumed if I argued enough and voiced my very right points that would suffice. Well, I was very wrong. It’s now on the top of the list. If I find myself in a relationship, conversations will be happening along the way. I want to be free of assumptions and release the added energy that holds them.
Assumptions cause resentments and limitations. If you don’t understand why your partner doesn’t get it, then ask. Stay away from finger-pointing and festering. Ask where the thought is coming from and why he/she feels the way they do. You may be surprised and relieved by the answer.
- suppose to be the case, without proof.
We all carry a bit of assumption with us. When it’s innocuous, maybe not so bad, but when your happiness and health depend on it, it’s time to step away from learned behavior and step into awareness–especially if you assume otherwise.